3. Read my original story. Yeah, that simple. Click on my Castor tag, read it, tell me what you think, and I shall be happy. And it costs you nothing but a few brain cells! Rampant cursing and sexual innuendo though. You've been forewarned.
Merry Christmas, Kage!
My initial thoughts: - Intriguing idea. It has been done before, but you've given us enough of a look into the life this character has been thrown into that I find I actually want to know more about her and the challenges she is about to face. I like the character, and I don't know why - so to me that says job well done! I want to know more about why she made the choice to go to the boys' school, and how it's going to affect her personally. - I really want to know about the futuristic world in which this story is set. You caught my attention with the holography. :)
My constructive criticism: - The intro is a little dry. Is it on purpose that the first few paragraphs start nearly every sentence with "She"? This crops up again in several places in the story and again at the end of the chapter. - It's ok to refer to characters by name when they're alone and thinking to themselves. It helps spice things up without you having to reorder all of the sentences that begin with pronouns, though I think you should try to mix them up a bit so it sounds more like a story. When you get too many of those sentences together, it can start to sound like a script. - Referring to herself as a "he" mentally is a bit awkward. I don't think you need to have her think that in order to change the pronoun in the narrative. I think I'd approach it differently - when she's living as a boy, call her a "he", and when she's free to be a girl, call her a "she". You may have a specific reason for this though, so I dunno.
no subject
but a few brain cells! Rampant cursing and sexual innuendo though. You've been forewarned.Merry Christmas, Kage!
My initial thoughts:
- Intriguing idea. It has been done before, but you've given us enough of a look into the life this character has been thrown into that I find I actually want to know more about her and the challenges she is about to face. I like the character, and I don't know why - so to me that says job well done! I want to know more about why she made the choice to go to the boys' school, and how it's going to affect her personally.
- I really want to know about the futuristic world in which this story is set. You caught my attention with the holography. :)
My constructive criticism:
- The intro is a little dry. Is it on purpose that the first few paragraphs start nearly every sentence with "She"? This crops up again in several places in the story and again at the end of the chapter.
- It's ok to refer to characters by name when they're alone and thinking to themselves. It helps spice things up without you having to reorder all of the sentences that begin with pronouns, though I think you should try to mix them up a bit so it sounds more like a story. When you get too many of those sentences together, it can start to sound like a script.
- Referring to herself as a "he" mentally is a bit awkward. I don't think you need to have her think that in order to change the pronoun in the narrative. I think I'd approach it differently - when she's living as a boy, call her a "he", and when she's free to be a girl, call her a "she". You may have a specific reason for this though, so I dunno.
Will definitely continue reading. :)